From the original 300 posts:
This may be the most emotionally raw thing I have ever written
~ December 2008 ~
An epiphany always happens when you least expect it and usually at the most inopportune time. This one started in the presence of a friend, who was being honest and sweet, but it came to fruition as I drove home behind tear filled eyes.
As the tears fell, these words…”Why? Why? Why? Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!” became my chant, over and over again; so confused, so disappointed, and so completely pissed at fate!
I tried painfully and unsuccessfully to find my words as the epiphany happened, I cried myself to sleep like a wounded child, I woke up with my eyes swollen shut and attempted to write again, but all that came out was jumbled and jaded nonsense.
As the day slowly crept forward; the tears eased up and some smiles returned thanks to a great friend who was there for me as I began to unravel and fray in the early morning hours…I know it could not have been easy to witness; as a matter of fact I could see and feel just how tough it was for you too, it is difficult to see a friend breakdown. You are a wonderful and beautiful friend, and I am grateful for the comfort, encouragement and support. I want to thank you for the Kleenex, the shoulder to cry on, and for always being my source of smiles, especially when smiling seems to be the hardest thing to do…I can no longer imagine my life without you in it.
Finally…The words came to me!
The conversation that started the tears hurt like hell, because our connection is undeniably spectacular and sparkling and if any two people had a chance to be amazing together it is us, but what happened afterward had very little to do with the original conversation.
The epiphany and the emotions I could no longer control were three years in the making; it was every bit of anger I had in me for having my trust and faith disregarded, for being taken for granted, and for every fucking broken promise!
I am exhausted, but I have some clarity…
I am not the one you take home to your parents…
I am the one you take to the party.
I am the one you take to the party.
I am not center front row…I am the back of the balcony.
I am not your life…I am a moment in time.
I am not your foundation…I am your muse.
I am not Christmas…I am Saturday night.
I am not your home…I am your escape.
I am not the meal…I am the cocktail.
I am not the wife…I am the mistress.
And…
You are fun, funny, and fabulous.
You are the sun, the moon, and the stars.
You get the joke, and can catch what is pitched.
You are happy and never cause drama.
You look at me with love in your eyes.
You listen to every word I say.
You are concrete and steel.
You are satin and lace.
You encourage me.
You support me.
You are my friend.
You are my lover.
Your smile.
Your eyes.
Your ass.
You.
No…Her.
8 comments:
That was a heartbreaking post.
"When there's nothing left to burn...you have to set yourself on fire!"
Wiwille...
It is amazing how getting it out of your head by writing helps mend a touch of heartbreak.
Anonymous...
I read the lyrics, I am not sure in my current state of mind I should interpret your reasoning, maybe you will explain...
He has that effect on people, everyone he meets, it's inevitable. They are all bound to be hurt. The empty words, the empty promises, the lack of follow through, the lies, the games, he's a player. Good luck!!
To the 2nd Anonymous...Who is "He"???
This post was about the past 3 years, not about one person...no one specific person.
Thanks for the Good Luck wishes...I will wish the same for you, because it sounds like someone really hurt you and you are having a difficult time moving forward...Life should never be lived backwards!
Just stating the facts/truth
Anonymous...those "facts/truth" are yours and yours alone...you have no idea what has happened in my life (the blog is just snippets of moments I am willing to share) and I have no regrets about anyone or anything, because everything has lead me right to this moment of my life...I am blessed and not living in the past at all!
I like how you gently reminded Anon that their 'truth' was theirs alone and any similiarity to your is mere coincidence. What you know is what you know. People fail to understand that thing change depending upons who observes something and their own personal experiences.
Because it was this kind of ephiphany that happened with me, being the guy who 'wasn't the one you took home' but was always meeting and winning over parents, loved ones, and children, that I figured out that it was something that I had to take more control of, if I was going to take a realistic run at what I had told myself I wanted.
The one thing I would say is that I hope it happens to you and that you never have to worry about whether or not you missed something in your life. I care about you, and hope nothing but the best for you.
Yeah, I know that I 'cheerlead', but I tend to cheer for winning teams!!
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