The final episode of Oprah and breaking up with my boyfriend on the same day...I just may be in estrogen overload!
I have never felt incomplete or unworthy, I have never felt lost or needed to be saved, and I have never expected anyone else to make me happy, because I have always been happy.
I have always wondered why I do not have romantic relationships that are uncomplicated, well-rounded, and enduring. I have always wondered why these men always treat me as the “one that got away,” especially when they did nothing to keep me from getting away.
I have figured out that I am drawn towards men who, in one way or another, remind me of my Father, and as God as my witness, I would rather be alone with a house full of cats, than to be involved with one more man who resembles my Father, in any way, shape or form. The day I removed my Father from my life was like cutting cancer out of my soul, it was painful, but I got a whole new lease on life.
The girl who waited and waited, and waited and waited for the cutest, smartest, funniest boy she ever met to do right by her…well, she no longer exists.
The girl who agreed it would be too hard to make it work, gave the ok to just let her go, and didn’t fight for what she wanted for the sake of eschewing drama …well, she no longer exists either.
The girl who understood boys will be boys, didn’t call out the excuses as total bullshit, and when her feelings and spirit were hurt she shut down – when she should have tacked your balls to your inner thigh (jk…well…ha!)…well, she most definitely no longer exists.
I am truly happy, I am lit up from the inside and my light is beautiful and bright, and I believe approaching my little piece of the world in an optimistic way with my heart on my sleeve and a smile on my face is the only way to be!
I can add extra doses and doses of happiness to the people in my world, but I do not have the ego or the arrogance to believe I can make another person happy; your individual happiness is for you to create and nurture…if you are not happy, then you will infest me with your depression and misery, and no one has the right to steal, tarnish, or extinguish my happiness and light!
Words that make you tingle and weak in the knees are worthless unless fully supported by real and meaty actions…laughter and joy should be shared daily…if you have ever loved and cared for someone, continue to love and care for them, even if it is done at a distance…apologize…forgive…let it roll of your back…move forward…be present…love, love, love, and then love some more.
In a dark and cool bedroom, snuggled up and comfortable this morning - I said “I love you, you are my best friend, and we should break up.”
My sincere wish is he finds how to be happy with himself again, because he is spectacular and one of a kind…I love him, more than anyone I have ever known, but my love for him isn’t worth the sacrifice of my own happiness.
I know longer will look back and wonder why, I will no longer look forward and wonder what is next, I am living in the present...if I am ever blessed to be 80 years old, sitting on a dock with the person I love, dangling our feet in the water, all I ask is that we are as individually happy, as the happiness we share being together :)
1 comment:
I wonder how I missed this entry.
I see a lot of parallels here. Some of which I do not concur with, but that is me. (Standing in the Way of Control is playing... I think Beth Ditto is hawt!! Saw the Gossip open for Sleater-Kinney back in the Motor... great show! In fact, I was with Tee Jay and...)
You have great self-esteem and a clear outlook on your love life. When you mentioned how drawn you are, inexplicably so, to men like your Dad, I nodded. My starter wife in retrospect had some of the qualities that my Mom had. Now, I loved my Mom but I did not want to marry her. After I realized that about my selections, it became a litmus test of sorts. If I thought someone reminded me of my Mom's most troubling traits, then they would be DX'd!!
Sometimes Nebraska reminds me of some of Mom's less than stellar qualities. That is part of our issues. But I have a blog for that, should I choose to write about it. So you fall in love with you Dad, eh Elektra?
It isn't that 'the girl' is gone, no longer exists, or anything like that. She is constantly evolving and that is what you are doing AD, evolving.
"Words that make you tingle..." no, they aren't worth the paper they are written on but there is so much pressure on everyone that the threshold to win someone's love has lowered precipitously. No one, and I mean NO ONE is immune.
I try to wish everyone well with whom I have crossed paths and 'bumped uglies' with under the guise of this being 'the one'.
Be present and love, love, love and love some more. Great advice. And if you love meant that you could not be happy, I wonder did he really give you love back? Jus' sayin', not trying to start nothing.
Take care AD (if it bothers you April, I will stop with that). It is late and I will get to your other entry when I wake up...
Love & Rockets!
Mark
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